As I sit down to write this piece, off the bat, I visualize two very distinct reactions 1) from the few guys that do read this – “dude, stop acting like a chick” and 2) from more mature people – “this boy still needs to grow up and understand life”. Well, what the heck, it’s my blog and I write what I want.
So a small context to the entire piece – I am a divorced man on the wrong side of 30 with a 4 year old daughter, who lives with me on the weekends and vacations. It appears that I suffer from an uncommon ailment called “insecurity” of “the concept”. Don’t get me wrong, I am a good looking, confident and very modest man 🙂 but I just can’t seem to understand the entire society’s obsession with maa kya pyaar (a mother’s love) when it comes to a child. So the title of this piece and “The concept”.
Ever since I can remember – for the male species and in the last few years for me as an individual member of this species, it has been engrained into our psyche that we are the lesser parent. Talk about the weaker sex!!!!!! So we may be the most accomplished, confident men but when it comes to a child (no less our child)….dudes….you are never in the race of being a model parent. It’s like you’re preparing to run the marathon and Usain Bolt has already won the sprint gold…..
Having never been at the receiving end of any discrimination I got a first real taste of this discrimination (not sure what else to call it) when my ex-wife (including her large family) would continually tell me that no matter what I did I would never understand the depth of a mother’s love for her child. So don’t get me wrong, my ex is a good person and a fantastic mother, but it’s not really my fault that I did not carry our daughter for nine months, or give birth to her…hell knows, I guess, if it was biologically possible…I might have done it…. (note to self – google up the man who recently had a baby before making such claims in future). Does that make me any lesser a parent that my daughter’s mother? NO SIR.
So when we do have these discussions, which re quite animated after a few drinks, informed people, then quote studies and tell me how it has been proven that both parents are equally important in nurturing a child. But (and there’s a big one here), the same people will not bat an eyelid and quote the dreaded words “but she’s the mother you know, understand that” at the first sign of my attempting to assert fatherly dominance in my daughter’s life.
This entire concept was further beaten into me during the entire legal process of the divorce. Starting from well-wishers and finally my lawyer nailing the coffin and telling me that the law would also favour the mother unless proven otherwise. It’s like being guilty until proven innocent!!!!! Sure, my work schedule is tougher than my ex (like a lot of men), but would the courts even consider custody to the father if the professional roles were reversed… Am not a legal eagle but I think I know the answer there.
So this whole “concept” has been irritating me for a while now and by the time I have reached here, the few readers that I have, have already logged off at the nonsensical rambling of a lunatic. But I shall continue for the pleasure of the few that persist 🙂 So what did I do next….like any reasonable tech savvy person, googled up to see if there was some godforsaken formula or something where I could input some random data and see a result that said — dude, you are actually more important than your ex – to your daughter. Alas (for my poor male brethren out there) there was no such algorithm. Can you believe that?
And that really brought me to the deeper question – WHY AM I COMPETING FOR THE LOVE OF MY CHILD?????? That little mite has so much love to give everyone that there is enough to go around and some……
Even though I do my best to ignore the obvious, realization dawns and I finally figure out that in a way, I am a still bitter about my divorce and maybe the pangs of guilt still exist that I could not make it work. I have always been good at anything I did, (I did mention I am very modest) and the crumbling of the marriage was the first real sign of failure in my life and maybe a big bruise to my large but fragile ego. I somehow needed to prove to myself that I was the better parent and that my exs decision to end the marriage (there’s goes one more secret down the drain) was not the best decision for any one of us….So this entire aversion to “the concept” appears really to be an effort on my part to consciously massage my ego. At this point, the handful of men still reading this are like “dude you just lost your right to be invited to a boys night out and the next thing you’ll tell us that Titanic is your favourite movie”….hmmmm…. never really thought of that but no….it’s just to sugary for me….. More such realizations and I could be an enlightened one very soon….
Also, it never occurred to me to check with my sisters what their views were and how was their relationship with our father. I know, there are some things that a daughter will always confide in her mother – her first crush, her first kiss or even her boyfriend but I just wish that would be me. In my case, it would be even more unlikely since I have been convinced since her birth that I need to buy a shotgun the day my daughter hits her teens. I was once a young man and I know :).
So this really has nothing to do with me competing with my ex but just the love I feel for my child. Is that any less? Then why is it always beaten down on me that “she’s the mother, you have to understand”. To top it all off, during one of my random net surfing episodes I read an article (another proven study, mind you) that confirms that boys lose more in the absence of a father figure and not girls….WOO HOO… way to go on building the confidence, buddy!!!!! Somehow such ‘empirical pieces of evidence’ have a way of finding their way to me. Reminds me of one of the episodes of THE Simpons – where Homer ends up seeing donuts everywhere…while I do love the show, I think my parenting skills are by far better than that of Homer’s…..
So where does that really leave me now…..All I can say is that I have a great relationship with my daughter but where the relationship would be 10 years down the line is potentially all up to me and the effort I make…. Hopefully at that point in time my insecurity would have gone (to some extent) and I would grab the love she doles out with both my hands. Maybe I will even have the courage to show her this piece and watch her expression as she reads it…. What she will say I don’t know but I know what I want her to say…..
Till then I just need to reconcile to the fact that ‘the concept’ will most likely always exist and there’s not really much that one can do to fight it……kids have so much to give and we waste the time trying to fit them into our moulds and make them our pretty little trophies to brag about….
So LADIES and GENTLEMEN (hopefully atleast one man has survived through this long, winding note), welcome to the ramblings of a confused man and many more to come.
In the words of the great poets of the modern era – JOURNEY – Don’t stop believing, hold onto that feeling, streetlight people……
Dear Confused Man,
I like the template even if it is by default I presume. 🙂 Hahah! Welcome to the blogging world. And keep the posts coming. Thumbs up!
I loved it!..and if this is how you ramble…then keep rambling…all the best and looking forward to more such ramblings!..As a mum, there are other such concepts that I think I constantly have to “battle” and prove myself and add to that a “working” mum…boy!..thanks for reminding that “kids are not just our little trophies to brag about!”..all the best to you and guess what your lil girl is absolutely lucky to have you….you will know it soon…you dont even have to wait too long till she “grows” up!!!…:)..keep smiling!
ramble i will… just realised it is such a great outlet for all the millions of ideas in my small head (actually big head). never realised would have women connect with what i felt but i guess everyone carries their own battles and their own scars… of which we make tales and in modern times…blogs 🙂
For a confused man, your seem to have a very clear perspective :)….I look forward to your ramblings- made me pause and add a dash of empathy towards my child and spouse. Blogosphere is a better place with your honest expression and wit.
not sure of the perspective but i write what i feel… great that could you could connect with this at some level…. one the of the greatest satisfactions of all…
Mr Jerry mcguire,u surely are striking all chords. But not to worry as daughters always connect more with the poppas 🙂 just wait and watch out for the “hormone overdosed dude” she gets home to meet u…before u get the shotgun out reflect on the fact that in her eyes he is YOUR REPLICA! One of lifes sweet ironies what 😀
jerry mcguire huh!!!!! will have to ask bridget jones about that one 🙂 but bro you have just inspired my next ramble
You have covered a lot of angles in your blog but have u hot about the irony of the situation….u were denied custody of your child bcoz of the long workng hours….but after a divorce, any woman who wants to be financially independent will have to work similar hours as her husband. So after the divorce…technically there is no difference between the parenting of a father and mother
yes i see the irony…but life is all about ironies and sometimes its about about battling the odds and proving that you do the best you can…..